The POV

The Sexual Realms

Part 1 - Sexual Conditioning

Safety in Sex [2/4]

When it has come to having sex I have always felt an immense of pressure to perform a particular way. Conditioned by watching all of that porn I knew how I wanted things to go down, all in which did not translate into the bedroom. Unconscious masturbation being the culprit all in which one at that age felt harmless.

When I think about sex there has to be the foundation of safety. Sex without safety is trauma. Let me repeat that so you can read that again, ‘Sex without Safety is Trauma’. One can merely feel relaxed and safe when he is stressed out about performing alongside it’s many factors. The influx of nerves flooding the system in these very rare and vulnerable moments.

In my mind, thoughts of possibly failing this current mission was the norm and there was as there was a big checklist to tick off.

I hope I don’t cum to soon

I hope my dick stays hard

I hope this condom is on properly

I hope I don’t get her pregnant

I hope we don’t get interrupted

I hope I don’t embarrass myself

So many thoughts going through ones head taking away from the intimacy itself. Tactics to call upon like distracting myself thinking basketball scores for extra seconds of intercourse, praying to the heavens above for a better performance than the last but usually not the case.

Losing my virginity at the age of sixteen was a deflating moment for the ego, all in which my sexual partner had previous experience so the task at hand to fill was big. The outcome was awkward, challenging and I left that interaction thinking to my self ‘Houston I think we are going to have a problem here.’

Sexually Frustrated

I longed for a relationship, one that I could explore these sexual Realms with, finding women had it’s challenges as I watched my fellow friends get into relationships and envy grew. Something I longed for to feel safe and get some ‘practice’ in. Also ones social status was measured due to the number of girls he can pick up and extra points if you did sleep with her. Areas in which your fellow comrades didn’t seem to have much struggle at all in, with a dear bro of mine literally being an international model, where women would pick him up. Baffled that this was a thing, and thus not the case down my end.

And of course why would they? I barely had any game, I didn’t embody much confidence, the very thought of mustering up the courage to approach a woman seemed impossible. All this lack of success made me think that I would probably have had better odds being Gay. Maybe it was there where a submissive little gay Asian boy would be prized and knowing if guys were anything like me they would be keen for a lot of fucking. But it was not Males I was attracted to but it was Women, and I was to re strategise in order for me to find a girlfriend. There was some success but nothing that I would say was official.

Sexual Trauma

There has been numerous times where I had thought that I had got some of my sexual partners pregnant. Unprotected sex and late periods sparking a lot of fear that potentially you have unwantedly created the miracle of life. Being twenty years old and barely supporting myself the last thing you want to hear are these words due a getting a little carried away in the bedroom. To excited to grab a condom and ruin the moment with the responsibility to facilitate a safe child free outcome.

As the days passed on so did my stress, I could really feel into how much energy a situation like this would take up. Precious hours going by in order to make a decision, it was decided I was to get a colleague from my work to go to the pharmacy to get a morning after pill and deliver it to her at work. Here she could make the decision or not weather she would end up taking the pill. I dropped it off and prayed to the heavens for a hopeful outcome. She didn’t end up taking it and those next weeks were tough, so many thoughts going through my head only to find out the news that she got her period. The weight lifted off my shoulders in a celebration of joy. One would think that after going through an experience he would learn from his mistake. Not the case playing with fire again and again.

In a similar story I had another partner tell me she was pregnant as a joke (now that I look back that was a big red flag if I ever seen one). I think I lost at least one year of my life in the interim she told me it was a joke.

My perspective on this whole thing is that if she did fall pregnant even though the plan would be to abort the baby, but if she did a change of heart as it is a big decision, that is her body and her decision to make. You (the male) getting yourself in this situation is a harsh lesson that you would have to man up and live with.

And I will add if a guy says he knows what he’s doing, it’s most likely he has absolutely no idea what he’s doing, abandoning the condom due to the steamy moment and all it takes is one sperm, and even though the odds may be in your favour; the result maybe not what you hoped for escalating a possible trip to the abortion clinic, not an uncommon story from the social circles I use to hang around.

All begging the question to ask one self.

Was it all worth it? Was the juice worth the squeeze?

For me the short answer is No, I would not! I would have been better off with the trusty old lefty.

Performance Enhancers

To aid in wanting to ‘perform’ better if I did get lucky I would most likely want to have been somewhat intoxicated to take the edge off. Also at the same time could be an excuse if things didn’t pan out well. This state depending how how drunk I was would be effective but at what cost? A little to much booze could result in a messy disaster.

Trying to have sex straight again after ejaculating never really worked for me, I would be highly depleted and my desire would be completely gone, I guess your penis will let you know clearly when it doesn’t want to get hard anymore.

Some of my fellow peers may know of something called ‘Kamagra’ a sex jelly in a little sachet. Essentially it’s a mild viagra in which would make a guy really hard boosting blood flow to the penis making a great aid in the bedroom. This was a great confidence booster in which I would take and yes it would work great. Without it the sex wouldn’t be as good, or as long and again taking this all the time was not sustainable, to be come too dependant or anything is sure to lead to some negative side effects.

The Mental Game

A lot of the time all these thoughts prove to be a mental battle. At one point I had a sexual partner who was on the contraceptive pill. Thus taking the pressure of me to impregnate her meant I could enjoy the experience more and the responsibility was off me. This created a certain level of safety for me allowing me to ease into the intimacy more.

She also smoked weed as was I at the time which took the intimacy to a whole new Realm. It was a very physical connection we both shared and the current arrangement worked well for us, never did she ever say no to me coming over for some rounds of love making.

This was also the first Asian girl I pretty much slept with and after being with her I got the whole ‘Yellow Fever’ thing after experiencing what it was like pressed against that Asian skin. Boy was that a nice pussy, soft, gentle, delicious.

Insecurities

The male locker room scene had always been a big fear of mine. The fear of having everyones dick out only to be compared to one of another that mine may be the smallest.

Then one day a friend had caught a glimpse of my flaccid penis and made a comment ‘You got a small cock’, my biggest fear was playing out. I thought to myself ‘Fucking Hell at least see it when it’s errect’. I wore that for years I tellya’. You don’t realise but a collection of all these events conditioned you to feel all these low vibrational emotions such as shame and guilt, two of the biggest culprits found in men sure to lower one’s frequency.

I started feeling resentment to my own cock, wishing I could trade it in for something else bigger and functional, (just like the pornos). Oh God you done me dirty here how am I to feel somewhat of a man when the tools I have been given are broken.

For years of my life I avoided this happening again and only in my late twenties stumbled into a bathhouse in Vietnam where everyone was naked men and I thought oh shit we are all packing the same cock.

UNION

Lessons in Love

On the first week of my one way ticket around the globe I met my ex fiancee which would turn out to be one of the most expansive and healing periods of my life. Nothing would prepare me for what was to come. But over the course of seven years I really saw how having an intimate partner would help me grow, which ignited a healing journey that I never knew I needed. I’m an all in kind of guy so I really got a lot out of it. As going in with 50% effort would yield 50% results so why really bother.

Being my first serious relationship you learn a thing or two and and it was the first time I was able to communicate to someone the insecurities that have plagued me. She embraced and loved me in ways I never had before and teaching me how to love myself even when I didn’t know how. Loving all the bits I resented and words that would forever impact me, she said ‘You need to relax, the size of your dick is just perfect for me’

A big dick that I always dreamed I’ve been told could be even a disadvantage for some females body shape. The realisation that since I was not auditioning to be a porn star so why did I think that what I had wasn’t enough. Nor has any previous partner commented on the size of it. More of a guy thing to flex our ego’s, though originating from a place of insecurities. Having it is one thing, how it’s received is another. A healing moment indeed.

The Magical Ingredient

Always give flowers when flowers are due but that girl knew how to suck it if I ever had one, and more importantly she wanted to do. Those blue eyes gazing up will forever be embedded in my memories of ecstasy. I soon learned that if you don’t have the special ingredient it just don’t feel as good and that my friends is sucking with Love.

I have paid for sex workers in the past and all of it felt very transactional missing the the same element. After experiencing what feels the more wholesome route if it is missing this ingredient intimacy has a different feel. Transcending from just a physical act to a spiritual journey.

A Break of Conditioning

The goal of intimacy has shifted a lot from going to a performance and goal oriented approach but now to ‘how can we work toward the deepest form of connection’ or what must I do to create the most safe nest for my partner so she can fully surrender. This may look something like her crying in your arms the whole night, but what may actually transpire is a softening which will take the Union a depth deeper.

How Safety Softens

Some of the most magical words you can communicate to a woman to deepen the intimacy are not “I Love You,” but in my case “You’re safe with me, and I’m not going anywhere”. Say this only if you really mean it and I’m sure her body will reflect if true. With some female’s conditioning having abandonment wounds from a father figure it’s not just the love they seek, but safety. How deep can you really go if you’re one secret away from potentially being a single parent? There are several doors that can be unlocked beyond if you are willing to do the work and find them keys.

Respect

If a woman open’s up her Yoni this vulnerable act is a precious moment searching for acts of safety and should be moved towards with respect and consent. This building trust to what may be the first of many interactions. I guess what woman are wanting is not to be used and abused like an old pair of socks left for the trash.

Keeping the container sacred

The importance of keeping the events on what happens in a relationships sacred, To break such a thing without consent could be one of the quickest way to lose trust within the relationship. She should be of the highest priority so venting to others should come secondary.

Growth in Union

I have always learned a great deal from women and after seeing how much growth has occurred in my last relationship I look forward to the next encounter. Love is a hell of an emotion and one of the most beautiful emotions to feel in being human. This shared upon with a conscious partner is a mirror for us to see where we abandoned our true nature. A catalyst for our greatness, accessing the greatest version of ourselves, so choose wisely.


Part 3 - To be continued