The Sexual Conditioning

The Sexual Conditioning - [Part 1/4]

Early Days

Now In order to properly understand an area I think it’s important to take it back in time and look into what has conditioned us for to behave a certain way. You’ll be getting a good glimpse into my journey through the Sexual Realms and out of all the pieces I have written I think this one could be the most useful one for men to reflect on and even for women to get a glimpse into a man’s psyche.

The topic of sex always felt like such a taboo topic that only grown ups were equiped enough to talk about and explore. Growing up there was very little healthy resources in this area. I never got the talk from Dad about the ‘Birds and the Bees’, I could only imagine it would have been slightly awkward digesting that information around the dinner table after lasagna at such a young age. I was shot into the real world to figure it all out myself I guess. As far as I knew having sex was a way to pro create and how my brothers and I were conceived, though what about the pleasure more intimate side of it?

The curiosity would soon become more prevalent as the years went on, the classic case of wanting something you can’t get, but something about the connection between two individuals in the act of making love felt spicy, and as a little boy not realising the potency of the sexual energy and how it would soon enthral me.

All the tricks in the book

At a very young age I would devise various plans to get a glimpse of some titties at any chance I could. A weekly routine would be filtering through the TV guide for potential movies in which were rated M15+ looking for the keywords ‘contains nudity, sex scenes). I did not care too much what it was about though I was willing to watch a two hour movie to watch a 45 second sex scene. Thus occurrence usually taking place in the lounge room which was slightly sheltered from the rest of the house. Many times successful in discretion though at some points buzz killed to find out mum or dad wanting to watch the same program as well, a little awkward moment in the air when the moaning starts to begin.

I thought I was so cunning to do so, the old magazine trick at the news agency where I would put like a Nintendo magazine on top of a Playboy magazine, then conspicuously move out of sight as possible specifically the worker. Now time was of the essence and as you flicked as quickly as you could trying to engrain as much imagery as you could before those precious fleeting moments come to an end. Going from Mario Kart and looking at Princess Peach through to a few pages later to see some Princess Pussy. The whole experience felt naughty, stressful but yet exciting all at the same time and was far the more priority than the Kumon classes I was supposed to be attending.

Experimentation was a way to see if I was aroused from a particular act. I’ve tried to put the vacuum on my dick to simulate what would the sucking of a cock. Though to my disappointment all I felt was a feeling of metal, sharp and slightly hazardous act, definitely not the feeling of soft pleasurable lips I imagined.

At a very young age I remember letting my dog lick my balls in a curious light, who knew what I was doing really, again all in secrecy of the few moments I would have alone in the household. To be caught doing such a thing would have been fucking embarrassing for sure, one that may have been hard to recover from. At such a young age I felt how this sexual energy could take over to the point where you’re not thinking straight and these possible repercussions these pursuits may result in.

A Time of Puberty

It was in year 8 where I was fondling my penis during a late night program and accidentally discovered ejaculation. It felt like I pissed the bed in some ways, but identifying a different fluid had been excreted though carrying a pleasurable undertone. I had no idea what this new sensation was as I had never seen the act before, it was only really static images of naked women at that point.

As the days went on there was much curiosity, what have I discovered? Relocating future experimentations into the shower where there would be more privacy and a space that you could make more of a mess and clean up easier. . After some weeks of exploration I had officially discovered jerking off. It was on like Donkey Kong then onwards as it would be basically a daily practice for many many years, even a couple of times in a day, which progressed into an addiction.

Why this was a good deal?

- First of all it didn’t cost you anything financially, completely free. Just a little elbow grease.

- No one really knew what you were doing or how many times you were doing it.

- And of course there was approximately 10 seconds of a pleasurable orgasm.

The Boys

Things started to escalate even more when Porn VCD’s started to be shared around my friends circle to school. One I remember vividly was the ‘Pool Party’. There is a famous line in there that I still remember and joke about to this day.

*Woman is thrown into the pool by Male

Male: “Man Overboard”

*Woman is naked in a white see through top

In a cheeky voice:

Naked Female: “I thought you said Man, hehe”

(corny porn sex scene established)

This VCD done the rounds and the disk was noticeably more scratched then before clocking up extensive viewing time and dopamine hits in our brains. All of us horny f*ckers probably having a good spank or two to that.

I then convinced my parents to allow me to get a computer for work purposes which would reside in my bedroom, and that my friends was the beginning of the end. It officially became the Masturbation Station. During the Summer season it was hot and the house had no aircon. My PC produced a lot of heat and the air was thick, sweaty, with testosterone and the bin was dominated with tissues of accumulated spank sessions. I would take the key out of the door handle to prevent any awkward interaction. My mum who would drop off the washing from time to time walking into this atmosphere, noticing a shift in my behaviour and decor, probably thinking to herself I have birthed an absolute savage.

High School

With the school curriculum there were approximately two periods on sex education all in which no one wanted to look too interested. Mandatory to cover the schools asses if students got involved in any fuckery, I think that was the first and last time about taught in school.

I was glad to know it wasn’t just me that was feeling the effects of being a teenage boy going through puberty. A horny bunch of men we were, I remember getting my first squeeze of some ass in the woodwork darkroom. Where a fellow female classmate would voluntarily enter knowing very well us males would follow and allow a squeeze on some of her soft cheeks. This sending us men into a frenzy and becoming popular amongst us.

I grew up during the birth of the internet so I have seen the evolution of porn online. What begun with dial up to download some images of some titties has now turned into a multi billion dollar business where you can stream and expose you to whatever genre tickles your fancy from the convenience of your phone. I liked a good ‘Cumpilation’ something I think the porn industry has done a great job of glorifying, and all this ease of access becoming a huge problem that the collective were entering without knowing it’s repercussions and impact it will have on future generations.

It wouldn’t be uncommon to receive a hard drive from a friends older brother with it filled with porn for you to download what you like to your discretion. Or getting access to a passed around Bang Bros account in which you didn’t even need to stream anymore but now you could download locally on your computer. I had 120gb plus of porn at hand. More than enough for hours of endless porn. There was no mindfulness around it, more of a get the job done in the hopes that someone doesn’t burst in the door with. Thus act compounded over years would create a lot of tension in the Sacral region.

I remember getting a fake ID and making my first appearance at Club X. As many of you may know of these venues scattered in the city as you walk down some steps into it’s dark dungeon like atmosphere. Not knowing what to expect I made my way into a booth only to be met by a black window with a gold coin slot to unlock the $2 Peep Show.

Curious to what was going to transpire next and two dollars later, the veil was lifted. As it opens I immediately make eye contact with a woman to whom she realises it’s time to work. I proceeded to see this larger woman and in nice words “someone I was not visually attracted to” grab a dildo who proceeded to insert into her vagina. I was not turned on in the slightest and I felt quite sad for this individual who gave out the energy of not really wanting to be there and may have just been doing it for money. I didn’t see it at the time but on the floor was a bin full of tissues which I believe was men jerking in and to this sort of stuff. I left quite disgusted on for the first time I seen how something like erotica could be viewed in quite a trashy limelight, a glimpse of what other men get off to and how businesses capitalise off our addictive behavior.

Take for instance strip clubs, one of the first places a teenage boy will go once they hit the legal age of eighteen. I guess it’s a time you can actually not feel overly rushed and stare without being labelled a creep. Whatever your type of girl is you might find on the pole dancing as you marvel at her impressive maneuvering. The seductress archetype, a skill that many of them possess and make a lot of money from vulnerable men. The novelty for myself wore off after going to the first few. Once you go to places like this seeing a pair of tits becomes quite normalised and now I was looking for a girl my age to find love and have sex with.

Asians in Intimacy

Growing up I had many insecurities, one prevalent was my cultural heritage all in which I felt I got the short end up the straw. Combining that with an overflow of insecurities that I was already battling with created very low self esteem.

When you look at the list of desired types of hierarchy there us Asian’s came last place behind the White Males, Black Males, Hispanic Males and last on the pecking order was the Asian/Indian Males.

And it wasn’t all just fabricated in my head, my environment conditioned me to witness this reality. At the time there was no Asian Men with White Women at High School. Though ‘Yellow Fever’ had hit the scene and on other side of the gender coin the Asian Females were becoming hot property, receiving an influx of attention from the more popularised White Males, the exotic features of the Asian Female had become popularised by platforms like porn.

And still even to this day if you are a Non Asian Female.

Have you hooked up with an Asian Guy?

Have you had sex with an Asian Guy?

And I’m not talking like half cast Asian I’m talking about Chinatown Asian, a full blood!

The Answer: Most likely no

I’ve heard it countless times “this is the first time I’ve hooked up with an Asian”

See Darl we are human just like the others.

I never felt worthy of being equal in a connection, it’s like I was lucky to be there like I’m getting a chance, so don’t fuck this up feeling. Thus demonstrating my low self worth and low self esteem creating little to no standards, birthing the People Pleaser Identity which has taken me a life time to process.

I became a victim and set out to prove a point, “I’ll show them”, like I was defending my whole fucking continent on my back which is not the energy you want to be doing it for, but really deep down the only person that wanted validation from was for myself 💔

To be continued…