Depression - An Annual Review
It’s been a whole year since I was chronically depressed, an identity that feels foreign though fragments of despair seep back to memory flashing me back on a dark time. A lot has happened in-between, a full spectrum array of emotions and events solidifying a very eventful year teaching me some priceless lessons all in which now I can finally say I’m grateful for.
I wouldn’t want anyone to go through what I did, chronic depression is something that is hard to articulate into words. Going through an episode like that rattles you to the depths of your core, a scary realm to dance with. To be in such a delicate state, one negative event piled on a mountain of many away pushing you to potentially do something with irreversible regret. Though if you survive this test you will never look at life the same. I have spoken to many people since who can relate and it’s something that has created a lot of connection, this has also helped in my healing journey with conversations that have made me realise it’s a lot more common than I thought and that I’m not the only one. From the outside you would never guess, it just goes to show never judge a book by it’s cover.
How do you tell your family and friends that you have frequent suicidal ideation without alarming them. The state of conflict within ones self to reach out or remain silent in the hope for better days. I remember driving my car feeling like a zombie where contemplating life became far to regular, in my head I was just waiting for someone on my left to hopefully pull out of a round about quickly so we could collide so I could put the blame on which would hopefully deflect the attention off my depression and into another situation of being the victim that wasn’t my fault.
This is not the sound of someone who feels stable at all and trust me I know this is not normal behaviour. I feared communicating these thoughts would surely end me in a mental asylum. Who do you trust and tell them whats really going on, that the next person might sound the alarm bells since peoples safety are now at hand and that the orders are the anti depressant pills are to be forced down my throat without consent. Both my brothers heard and saw me in some serious states, shout out to them for holding that space because I was one lost cat.
To actually commit suicide requires some effort. How does one go ending their life successfully? My go to move was drowning myself which sounds easy but I bet it would be hard to keep yourself down for the count as a normal survival reaction would be to gasp for air, crashing a car seemed quite violent and risky if it didn’t work that you would be paraplegic and further depressed, or maybe trying to overdose on some pills in attempt that it will do the job, at this point it’s like Russian Roulette when you’re placing your bet.
While I was in my most depressive state wallowing in my sorrows at night I imagined that if I had a button to press and it would instantly end my life and finish my time here, I would have pressed that button 50 times over to make it swift as I had just about enough.
The Dark Night of the Soul
There comes a point once you realise no one can save you, not your parents, not your partner, not your friends, not your therapist. That YOU are going to have to dig yourself out of the hardest, most challenging time of your life, when death is knocking on the door you realise what kind of stakes you’re up against.
Step by step you move through a cave of the Abyss hoping to find a glimmer a light, everything seems hopeless and what feels like the body is dying you persevere, and over time particles pierce through and things don’t feel as black anymore. Fast forward months later your with colleagues and you genuinely laugh for the first time in a very very long time. An aha moment indeed and a sign that things are turning around for the better.
One thing that’s good about depression is that it sets a new baseline in which you can measure from. Anything above that is certainly better then what is felt below and a million reasons to celebrate.
I saw a meme which was spot on, it depicted a picture of a God like figure and a human brought to his knees which said “It had to be hard, or you wouldn’t have moved!’
Touché God you got me, I feel you loud and clear.
A victory in which feels like life itself had been conquered on a barbaric battlefield, disbelief that I actually survived this period. In tribal times they say a Rites of Passage has to be initiated in a way where the boy may not make it back. This transition being where the boy can officially become the Man and I can 100% relate, this was my Rites of Passage and initiation.
My confidence has grown ten fold and now is something that has rippled to every single area into my life. For the first time I could actually trust myself to get me through what I would find challenging.
Run a business? Peace of cake
Getting into your best shape? Easy work
Do all the things that you’ve struggled with? Got this! If not we will find a way.
Live your dream life? Locked in and moving towards it every day.
Everything seems so minuscule when I compare it to the depression in terms of challenges. It has put a lot of things into perspective for sure, priorities shift and you realise that all the shiny objects don’t mean shit when you may not be around anymore. The fancy rug, the furniture, the sauna, the car, the 4 bedroom house you’re in. In fact what I have realised all this stuff was just weighing me down energetically big time and have since been moved on and I feel lighter for it.
The fact that I’m still here is a sign that the universe has other plans for me and a second chance in this beautiful and now upgraded vessel of mine. It was a huge initiation indeed and upon reflection I was heavily out of alignment from my purpose, relationship, lifestyle, finances, social circle, health, family dynamics and finally I received a lesson in which would bring me back. Yes a tough one but a very valuable one.
The most precious thing in my life is health, if you are reading this and you have what you consider a healthy mind and body you are winning in life, trust me on that one. I vowed to myself if I did make it out of this ordeal that things were going to change and here I am very happy to be here and feeling on top of the world these days and a huge contrast to a year ago. I have come home to myself and it feels safer and stronger then ever.
Some tips I have taken away.
Have fun!
Whatever fun looks like for you, do that. Life is meant to be enjoyed or whats the point. Travel, go see your favorite comedian and laugh, it’s certainly better then crying. Start wearing your favorite outfits out, what the hell is the point of it sitting in your closet it don’t make sense your most expensive outfits get worn the least. Never forget to play, our frequency rises when we are having fun, it’s the law of attraction. People want to be around you, businesses want to work with you it brings a playful essence to to your energy. You get back what you put out.
Re invest in yourself!
I have been investing a lot in myself lately. If it has anything to do with your health, productivity or education, don’t hesitate on gifting that to yourself whether that be organic food, to online courses, or high quality supplements you deserve only the best and will get that back in big ways. I have been surprised in the ROI I have been getting back and something I wish I’d done sooner. Part of it is a bit of fear I guess I don’t ever want to revisit that place again, I have been there and learned the lessons now it’s time to integrate it all and see where this new energy for life is going to take me.
Be nice to people!
You never know what people are going through, it’s hard to share when in that state, not wanting to bother anyone but deep down they are trying to stay afloat. It is hard to really relate to people when you haven’t gone through something like that like when people say ‘just meditate’ it will help. If anyone has tried that you would know it’s absolutely impossible and the second you sit down and go in your thoughts a voice inside your head will surely halt that for you. So be nice don’t be a cunt.
They say the way you start the year is the way rest will follow
Last year wasn’t pretty though this year has been a cracker and I’m here for it.
Stay tuned Raw Realms coming in hot for 24’
Much Love x