Sex and Self Love

Now if you're going to tell a story you might as well tell the whole thing.

Growing up as a male all I can remember being one horny confused kid. I have paid to have sex with prostitutes in my time, so yes I have exchanged money in return for sex and a few blow/hand jobs. This happened in various places like Adelaide, Bali, Thailand multiple times, Amsterdam multiple times, Prague and even Melbourne on my second week as an Uber driver my client shouted me a girl as I took him and his friend to a brothel, funny times. 

Now telling you this I’m nor proud or embarrassed of what I did, reflecting back now I know exactly why I did it. Back then I had very little confidence about myself to the point where I would be so scared to approach women. I was a boy that lacked self love for himself, a boy when looking in the mirror didn’t think he was beautiful, a boy who never had a proper girlfriend to have sex with, a boy who was conditioned by porn, and a boy that did not know how to control his sexual energy.

Make no mistake as well, some of these women were incredibly sexy, whatever your fantasy may be blonde hair, black hair, tall or short, big tits, big ass, dark skin, Spanish, Asian she could be all yours for a small fee. I mean what a deal! I remember this Brazilian woman I paid for in a window in Amsterdam, she was beautiful enough to walk down Victoria’s secret catwalk. She could be my angel and I could live out my own porn scene and walk in there last 30 seconds and walk out only slightly embarrassed knowing I would never ever see her again. This seemed like a much easier more enticing offer than the fear of rejection with me exerting all this time and effort trying to pick up a woman that may have sex me.

Having these experiences has taught me a lot and now it’s not something I seek for in my life, mainly the fact that I have a partner who for fills this area and secondly when being intimate for me I learned there has to be some sort of connection for the magic to work or else it fills just like an empty business transaction.



One thing that i now notice about my behaviour back then is that I didn’t have a single problem telling the boys about what i got up to. But on the other hand it was a deep dark secret I wouldn’t want any girl to find out about especially a female where there could even be a chance of connection. It would get to the point that I would actually lie if it were to come to the conversation of if I’d slept with anyone on a trip or if I’ve paid for sex. After observation to women doing such a thing seems desperate, cheap, embarrassing, that I would maybe be carrying a STD. I see why, I mean lets be serious when you're a woman why would you need to pay for anything when most guys would sleep with you without any hesitation. My situation already proved challenging so saying that I have paid prostitutes would have to be hush hush.

This action created many masks that would show up around different people. I’ve learned that wearing these masks and telling these lies consumed energy sometimes subconsciously, in time you get use to wearing it and the longer you leave your mask on the harder it is to take off. Over the years I have done some deep work to release these masks and investigate my patterns which has brought me to this point today and I tell you what I am feeling lighter, brighter and more content with life and my past than Fucking ever! Knowing that if any conversation came that it wouldn’t turn into a big red hot awkward embarrassing mess. I have been on the dealing end of secrets and I have been on the receiving and a person will only open up when they are ready to, so don’t force, trust me on that.

I have made peace with everything I have done in the past, I’m Not afraid anymore.

All the things that have plagued me now empower me and give me compassion for others. Don’t ever feel bad for anything that you have done before as you were doing the best you could at the time. If my soul was in your body I would have done exactly the same thing, we are just a product of our environment.

I’m feeling good about this year, 2020 is the year of ‘Connection’ for me. Deepening the Connection to myself and deepening the connection to other people and being more vulnerable is going to naturally attract with the right people that I need in my life. It’s time to be real and show everyone not just the highlight reel of my life but dark times and experiences that really challenged me as a human in hope that it may help others.



I saw a post by Jim Carey “When you truly don't care what the fuck people think of you, you've reached a dangerous level of freedom." It stuck with me and something within me knew that this is what I need to feel. I say I don’t care, but now this is a way I will prove it to myself where I can openly speak my deepest insecurities and embarrassing moments knowing my Mum, my Dad, family, partners family, relatives, friends, future clients, haters, strangers everyone will know a raw side of me.

If anyone wants to chat I’m here for you in service with No judgement. Let’s heal together, let’s get deep, show me your soul as I’m going to show mine.

Stayed tuned! 


Namaste