Life in Seasons
We meet again social media world, it’s been about half a year since my last post, in the meantime I had a full blown mid life crisis which was scary as shit. With pretty much every single area in my life rattled, a move, housing issues, closure of business, change of jobs, social circle shakeup, financial challenges, severe depression, suicidal ideation, gut issues, skin flare ups and turbulent times with Eva. Also a lot of confronting realisations about my past were surfacing putting the icing on the cake. With all these things happening simultaneously its safe to say time I was stressed to the gills and it ticked me over the edge. I just knew it was all to much for my nervous system and sent me free falling into a frenzy.
I’ve felt some pretty amazing feelings in my life, some indescribable, the feeling of complete freedom wandering the earth, some filled with pure euphoria with peaks of joy, and many depths of intense love. And there on the other side of the spectrum are feelings that I had not felt on this magnitude, like grief, frustration, shame, helplessness and depression. I felt severely out of alignment and disconnected from not only my self but from the collective which veered me to a dark dark place. I had suicidal ideation far far too frequent for my liking that’s for sure and this is coming from someone who couldn’t get enough of life.
Stress will literally kill you, it will effect various areas in your health and will vary from person to person. My areas that were extremely prominent in the gut and the mind which the two have a strong correlation. My symptoms included hectic constipation, Insomnia where I wouldn’t get a minute of sleep throughout the whole night, If I did manage to sleep I would sometimes wake up in a puddle of sweat (and I mean a puddle), I was having many strange dreams and sleep paralysis. There is nothing more frustrating then wanting to sleep and not being able to especially when you know much the body really needs it.
My mind felt poisoned. The brain fog I was experiencing was intense. I couldn’t focus at all, sitting in front of a screen seemed impossible this was a problem as I had some projects to finish for people. My memory was like a fish I could barely remember things about my past, or how to perform tasks that I would carry out regularly. My confidence and self esteem was at an all time low, it’s like I had gone backwards in my life in the worst possible way.
I refused to believe that I let myself get to this point, I hated myself for it and for the first time in a long time I didn’t want to be me. I kept saying someone pass me the remote control so I can fast forward this shit show. I was completely out of the present, and all day I would be wishing I had done this in the past so it would have change my trajectory so I wouldn’t be here. I kept constantly thinking of the future questioning am I going to make it through this? Where was I going to live? Will I ever feel normal again? Will my relationship survive this? A constant cycle that drained a lot of limited energy I had.
The helplessness! I was drowning in my emotions and stories hoping that someone would save me, the reality was the only person that could do that was me. When I lost hope with everything I stopped my normal self care regime. I would stay in bed for ages, I looked to food for comfort and the choices were usually poor which I wouldn’t normally. I wasn’t exercising and not only did I look unhealthy but everything about my life felt fragile.
I found myself socially isolating from many events and if I was out I made a great poker face from the outside to play off everything was alright, though on the inside it felt like I was dying with every breath. I didn’t want to share too much as it was fresh and I didn’t want to worry anyone, especially my parents. I felt like a burden in many aspects. I thought if I shared what was really going up in my head people would maybe be concerned and I could potentially end up in a ward of some sort. I’m a pretty open person but I really struggled to be seen in this light. That depression was a sign of weakness and I was not a strong human anymore. The simple joys of life I would normally enjoy were all pointless I felt like a pessimist all the time and would be constantly thinking who would want to be around this negative energy and it manifested into exactly that.
Suicidal Thoughts, now for someone to want to consider to take their own life means they have given up on life, or that there was no way out. I remember sitting in front of a GP who started writing me a script for anti depressants which was a huge reality check. I felt like I was in a dream at that point, I refused to take them knowing that if I did at that point it may have probably cooked me even more, (I’ve had some previous experience with meds that done some long term damage). When I was lonely and needed to chat I called lifeline a couple times for comfort.
When you’re desperate you’ll try anything, a realisation that I’ve noticed from my past. After a whole night of not sleeping and being extremely agitated. I thought it would be a good idea to smoke DMT to help save me. I broke my number one rule and that was to not take psychedelics when in a negative space, and here I was about to facilitate one of the most intense experiences in the worst possible spaces I have ever been in.
My friends, I laugh about this now though all I can say is don’t do something like this. After I smoked it I instantly knew it was not a good idea and it was like I shot through a vortex to death. My world went black, white and green it was the most strange realms I have experienced. It was in that exact moment I thought to myself, that’s it you’ve gone and done it now and there is no turning back. My whole life flashed before me and I had devised a plan that I was going to swim out into the ocean and not come back. In the peak of it I thought it was permanent and there was no way I could function anymore in this physical world. I thought of Eva and how sad it made me feel that she would wake up and find me missing not knowing what the hell was going on. Luckily the effects faded as it does with this substance and I was back to square one and dodged a bullet.
They say that God only gives you what you can handle. For the past seven months has been the ultimate test for me. I think upon reflection the worst bit was knowing if I was going to ever get better, if the damage in my case was to deep and incurable.
Google says the top 5 major stressors of life events include:
Death of a loved one
Seperation, Divorce
Moving
Major Illness
Job Loss
Number 3, 4 and 5, were what I was experiencing which was heading towards a number 2. In that period I did also have a friend of ours pass away which really put life into perspective. I turned 34 a few weeks ago, for my birthday wish I prayed to God that I would be healthy again. I cried tears that I never have before it was a great purge.
Although I’m not completely out of the woods I do feel a tonne better. This is a massive win for me and something I have acknowledged. Healing does take time and after I managed the stressors, the nervous system relaxed and took me slowly out of fight or flight mode. I tell you what I had to dig deep but changing my whole environment really helped even though I was super resistant and fearful of what life had in store. The classic surrender is easier said than done.
I think I may have been quite naive in the past to think that if you are depressed it can be fixed so easily, like do something fun and it would go away. Though in more severe cases it’s a little more complex then that it honestly felt like I was going through one long ass bad acid trip. Until you have experienced this level of depression it’s hard to put in words to describe it but it’s terrifying. Just know when you’re in complete darkness and dragging yourself through the mud there is hope.
I want to say a big thank you to my amazing supportive partner Eva for holding space for me during such a challenging time. It takes a strong, grounded woman to hold that container and I know it wasn’t easy but our story lives to see another day.
Also wanted a make a special mention to my older brother Andrew for being there for me in times of need, literally dropped everything to show up for me. This experience definitely has brought us closer together, truly solid bloke for sure.
Big love to Jordan, who has helped coach me through some challenging moments. Someone truly passionate about what he does and a great masculine support. If anyone is having some gut challenges and wants a holistic approach connect with him here - Jordan Briggs. -
Thank you to all my friends and family who also held space for me, don’t know where I would be now without you all. The more people who I have opened up to have also shared similar challenges around depression. With the stigma it’s not something that’s easy to bring up and share but definitely something I think we struggle with as a collective.
Some key things that I’ve learned through this experience or re learned.
Your Health is your Wealth, it may not be such a priority until you become unwell, a quote that I came across that hit home was “A healthy man wants a thousand things, a sick man only wants one”
-Naval Ravikant. Too True this one
If a particular environment is stressing you out, it might be worth while changing it up or else if nothing changes nothing changes. On that note another quote which was quite confronting “You’re only as sick as your secrets” as hard as is it’s always better out then in.
Prevention is better then cure. Make mental health a priority, depression is no joke. If something in your life is feeling off or you are thinking of something in the past and keeps coming back I would recommend talking with a psychologist if you think it might be helpful. I’m currently on a mental health care plan and it has been refreshing to chat to a non biased professional. Picking up on it early could really help.
Cultivate the creative juices, I was so stuck in the past, how did this happen, why me (victim for sure) and super anxious about the future as everything was grim and I felt super broken. What helped me was to express these emotions out via creative actives. Creating keeps you in the present.
In some weird way I think this whole experience was here to teach me a few things. What’s coming up is that if I’m to embody the Raw Realms identity then these were some uncomfortable feelings I was meant to feel in this human experience to relate with others going through a similar thing. My rites of passage and initiation into manhood.
When I think about how I was feeling and compare it with how I feel now it brings a huge smile on my face, what a contrast. After going through a severe depressive episode life hits different. My priorities have changed, I found myself spending a lot more money on things to fill a void though my real happiness comes from experiences. Every breath feels sweeter, every laugh feels more joyful, every hug feels warmer and another new memory made feels even more precious knowing it all could have been taken away. Time to make more time for fun!
Life I tell you what a ride.
- If anyone is going through something similar please do reach out to me or someone else.
Sending Ya’ll love <3
Jason